The Engineering Approach to Dating — Part 2

It’s been a while since Part 1 of this came out. As I continue to experience, observe, and learn, I’m writing Part 2 of this series.

Part 1 talked about how to make yourself attractive. This part is about how to choose the right partner and maintain a healthy relationship.

Choosing the right long-term partner and working together to build a relationship and family are some of the most important decisions of your life.

And I don’t want to see people’s lives ruined by their poor choices.

Dating is a two-way street — it’s not merely about how you choose or expect in others, but how you present and carry yourself. You attract who you are, and your outer world is a reflection of your inner world.

Dating is not easy for anyone right now, whether you are a man, a woman, straight, or LGBTQ. With people being increasingly selfish and the “app culture” running rampant, dating seems pretty bleak, and statistics reflect that. Family values and traditional, collectivist values are also on the decline and more people than ever are walking away from society in various ways (not starting families, not working, disconnecting, etc.).

From my personal experience and the experiences of my peers and family members, many people have unrealistic expectations about relationships and act in undesirable ways, both when dating and in relationships. I want to summarize them here so you don’t make the same mistakes.

Before I dive into the details, I want to reiterate some stuff from Part 1.

• Improve your circumstances — Most of dating success is really about luck and circumstance — meeting the right people at the right time. You control the things you can control, so you need to improve your circumstances. The more people you get to know, the more likely you’ll find someone compatible. Go out and be social. Don’t just sit at home and complain you cannot land a date. Make the effort to expand your social circles and grow your network at work, school, hobbies, etc. Go to events and meet new people. Join a club or an organization, or go volunteering. Also, if you live somewhere where dating is unfavourable for your demographic, move to a better location.
• Ditch the apps — I am seeing more and more people realizing the flaws of dating apps, and ditching them altogether. It is a superficial environment designed for instant gratification, just like social media. Most social dynamics (unbalanced gender ratio, making the users pay to access better profiles, bots/scammers, etc.) are engineered by the app developers to incentivize the users to be unsuccessful in dating, so they stay dependent and spend money on these apps. After all, if most users are successful in finding relationships on these apps, the apps will lose their customers and go out of business. Instead, go out and meet people in the real world — it’s not as easy, but much more effective.
• Self-improvement — You attract who you are, and you need to make yourself worthy of dating. Ask yourself, would you date the current version of yourself? Many people either keep endlessly pursuing unavailable people (“simping”) or complain about having to settle because they don’t really have a choice. They don’t attract that many people so they have to settle for what they can get. You need to improve yourself to be attractive (Remember the 4 pillars from Part 1 — Appearance, Personality & interests, Career & competence, and Communication & charisma) so you can be the chooser — only when you have a choice, can you choose not to settle, or choose not to chase. It’s not the same as faking — you change and grow yourself and not try to be someone you are not — you want to be the best version of yourself.
• Self-acceptance — While you improve yourself, as long as you see yourself as someone that people don’t want to date, that’s how you’re going to present yourself to the world and that’s how other people will see you. Stop believing that you have to be a certain height, make a certain income, and have a certain physique or personality to have a chance at dating. Carry yourself with confidence. Everyone has flaws. Everyone is weird. If you can’t accept yourself, people can sense it. Embrace your quirks and flaws; however, that does not mean being selfish, narcissistic, insensitive, or not working on yourself.
• Sell yourself — The initial stages of dating are really just a series of sales pitches — you are selling yourself. Most people I know who are good at dating are good salesmen. Most animals go through these mating rituals/dances, and humans are no different — it’s an act. Advertise your strengths and don’t disclose too much about your weaknesses. Make yourself appealing to your target demographic. Also, be careful about what you disclose right away. Keep certain personal information (your relationship / sexual history or the lack thereof, your finances, your family background) to yourself, it might be unattractive for some, or you might attract the wrong people for the wrong reasons. However, in the end, be authentic and show your true self — you cannot fake it for too long.
• Be realistic about your standards — Thanks to social media, dating apps, and general entitlement/greed/selfishness, people have unrealistic standards in dating. Think about what you bring to the table. If that’s not enough to attract someone you desire, maybe you need to improve yourself more. At the end of the day, long-term relationships and marriage are an exchange of value between people and their families, and people of similar socioeconomic backgrounds and attractiveness levels generally get matched together.
• It’s ok to not date — Finally, dating, relationships, and marriage are not requirements for a successful life today. We have the freedom to choose how to live life. It’s ok to walk away from dating; however, are you walking away because you’ve never tried or are afraid of trying, or have you already experienced it all and realized that it’s not for you? There is a difference here — don’t live in fear of the unknown or leaving your comfort zone. You should at least give it a try before calling it quits. Also, are you dating because you genuinely want to, or are you being pressured by your parents, peers, or societal standards? Be honest with yourself. It is your life after all.

I want to highlight that self-improvement and dating are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to be x and y just to be ready to date. Start now! Nobody is truly ready, and you’ll miss the opportunities to learn and grow otherwise.

Dating and relationships are skills that need to be practiced — you don’t get good at these things by sitting at home and avoiding them. They are a part of self-improvement as well and essential for becoming a well-rounded individual.

1. I want to start by saying, you cannot chase a relationship. Just like how I talked about money, happiness, and many other things in life, chasing is a slave mentality. You are putting it on a pedestal. You are desperate.

You need to adopt an abundance (or master) mindset. Do not be desperate. Stop chasing or thinking that you have put in all the effort for a relationship. You work on yourself and attract it instead.

Chasing is also an uneven dynamic — one side is putting much more effort than the other side. To be a partner in a healthy relationship is an equal dynamic — if the relationship is built on unequal terms, it is not healthy. So don’t waste your time on people who are unavailable or people who are clearly not attracted to you. You can’t negotiate genuine attraction.

Relationships should be mutually beneficial. Trying to date merely to satisfy one’s needs while disregarding the other’s results in an uneven relationship, which often falls apart. Both partners should have something to offer and should look beyond their own needs and wants.

Do not put one person or your relationship status on a pedestal (i.e. I have to date this person, be married by the age of X, or I need to be in a relationship to be happy). It puts a lot of pressure on that person, and it is very selfish thinking — that person is simply checking a box for you.

Just like money and fame, relationships are merely another benefit to life, not the end all be all. It should not be your main goal in life to pursue and be in a relationship. Instead, live your life like you want it to be and do not have it tied to something you cannot control.

Do not invest too much into someone right away (especially the first few dates) before you properly vet them — otherwise, they take it for granted, and you can be easily used for your money, body/sex, and attention. Don’t simp.

For a potential long-term relationship, it’s important to do some things together (e.g., travelling, living together, getting to know each other’s social circles) before you decide to commit to them long-term. It takes at least a few months for people’s true personalities to be revealed.

Ideally, you should be content and happy on your own before you seek out a relationship — It’s not wise to go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. It is easy to find someone just to “cure your loneliness”, make yourself happy, or try to fit into societal standards— it is desperate, and you are needy.

Loneliness is a feeling. Many people have lots of friends or are in a relationship but still feel lonely and unhappy at the end of the day. In many cases, being in a relationship does not make them feel less lonely or unhappy — it’s an internal issue.

You need to make your life fulfilling and live happily without romantic relationships — interests, hobbies, work, social life, etc. In other words, date yourself first. Even if you made plans for a romantic date and they cancel, do the activity by yourself regardless.

Go to different events and actually be interested in the activity, and not just try to “score” — people can sense that. Finding dates should be a side-effect, not a main cause. You should enjoy and fulfil your life first.

Once you are content and happy on your own, then everything else, including dating and relationships, are just extras. You will feel more at ease and not put dating on a pedestal. As a result, you don’t need to expect a partner to complete you in every way. You become more attractive simply because you are satisfied and not needy.

Furthermore, many people get blindsided by attraction and want to give their entire life and future to it. My advice is, don’t give up your future or alter your life plans for a potential relationship — relationships are just a part of your life, not your entire life. You should prioritize your life first and not “give up everything for love” and put yourself in a vulnerable position.

2. Greed is infinite. You can’t expect to have it all, including in dating and relationships. You need to be realistic with your standards — focus on your core needs and compatibility, not wants.

Many live in a fantasy and overlook important character flaws when they’re deeply infatuated with someone. Many others are searching for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect and wonder why they are having such a hard time.

The truth is, humans are complex, and nobody is perfect for each other in a relationship. Everyone has flaws and incompatibilities. Everyone is weird. Looking for a perfect partner to satisfy your wants is selfish and unrealistic.

You need to work with who you have and grow with each other, and make sacrifices and changes for each other. Even a perfect partner on paper can turn out to be very different once you get to know them better.

Also, I believe in addition to physical attraction, many things are non-negotiable when looking for a partner — personality, character, mental health, values, and morals. Initial attraction, or limerence, is just a feeling. You should evaluate a person rationally before you act on your impulses.

It’s not wise to don’t date crazy, unhealthy, narcissistic/selfish, or damaged people. Ultimately, you are a social animal and will succumb to peer pressure from your partner, and learn their traits. We learn the traits and develop our personalities from the people closest to us.

Look for healthy personality traits conducive to a long-term healthy relationship (kindness, honesty, accountability, good communication, etc.). Embody these traits yourself as well so you can attract these traits.

Also, look at someone in the present, not what you fantasize/idolize them to be. It is easy to do so when you’re attracted to someone. The truth is, people rarely change once they are adults, and you cannot expect others to change for you, no matter how much they promise to do so. Date the current version of that person, not a hypothetical or fantasized version.

Finally, it is ok to be inexperienced. I see a lot of inexperienced folks being marginalized in the dating market, but everyone has to start somewhere. Be open to learning and teaching others, whether it is dating, relationships, or sex. Avoiding it won’t change your inexperience — go out and make it happen.

3. A lot of people today use their lizard brains and do not use their rational thought. They are hedonistic and lead with sex, pleasure, and physical attraction, rather than looking at the big picture of the relationship.

With the ease of access to electronics, many people today are addicted to different forms of sexual gratification (from pornography to hookups to sex tourism/prostitution). This leads to problems when they enter relationships, from unrealistic standards to cheating/infidelity to sexual dysfunction and difficulty maintaining attraction (aka dead bedrooms).

Sex is an important part of a relationship, but it is not all. Humans are not wild animals and our purpose is far more than reproduction and seeking pleasure. Sexual attraction is an animalistic instinct and we should not let that take priority over our rational thought — we are better than that.

People’s sex drives also change over time due to their age and health. It is totally normal to not be interested in sex or stop being sexually attracted to one person after a while. Not everyone is young and driven by hormones.

Too many people enter a relationship solely because they are physically attracted to someone, often disregarding their other traits. Others place too much importance on sexual compatibility and turn down otherwise highly compatible people, and wonder why they’re having a hard time dating.

Most of these relationships also end quickly as soon as one feels sexually dissatisfied. They are built on the wrong foundation.

Similarly, don’t just use your appearance to attract people or lead with physical attraction. Work on the other aspects of yourself, and have substance. Otherwise, you will only attract shallow people who are just interested in your body. Be selective and weed those people out.

For a long-term relationship, I believe it is ok to settle on looks and sexual compatibility — everyone’s looks fade over time, and your sex drive will decrease with age, especially after having children. Even a supermodel or athlete loses their novelty after a while.

However, it is not ok to settle on fundamental differences, especially character, values, morals, culture, and religion. These are the things that decide whether a relationship will last. As I mentioned earlier, it’s not wise to date toxic or unhealthy people, even if they are very physically attractive.

Furthermore, do not give out sex easily. I believe sex should be an intimate activity reserved within a romantic relationship (or for procreation) and not commoditized or casualized like it is today. With hookup culture being rampant in the world today, promiscuity and sex addictions (especially porn) are key reasons why relationships are as unstable as they are now.

It doesn’t matter how people like to spin it (“finding myself”, “discovering my interests”, etc.), having too many sexual partners hinders the human ability to pair bond, making them more prone to infidelity, and less likely to commit to a long-term relationship.

Promiscuity is also unattractive to most people who are serious about relationships. You risk getting STDs, sexually abused, or unwanted pregnancies/children. You need to be able to resist sexual temptations (and any other temptations in life) — Have some self-discipline.

Finally, you need to be willing to adapt to your partner’s needs, including sexual needs, and not just satisfy your own. Your partner is human — do not treat them like a sex toy. Communicate with each other about your needs and wants. Work with yourself and your partner to be attractive to each other, make each other’s physical needs met, and keep the romance going.

Dating and relationships are an investment — you need to put in the effort and not just let sexual attraction lead its way. It’s futile. And any relationship built solely on physical attraction will fall apart as soon as it starts.

I believe love is an action and not merely a feeling of attraction. Love is conditional, and can be lost as soon as it is gained. Hard work, dedication, and sacrifice are required to build and maintain love.

4. We live in 2024 now and dating standards have objectively changed from decades ago. You have to adapt to the times to not be left behind.

Many people (especially heterosexual men) think they can be successful in dating and find a partner simply by making money and getting rich. That’s not going to work in this day and age in most of the developed world.

Since women have achieved social and financial independence, they no longer need a provider. Many men are still stuck in that outdated mindset of being a provider (leading with wealth or flaunting their money, paying for everything, exchanging money for other favors, etc.).

Some men (“passport bros”) even seek out women from poorer, traditional countries and exploit the uneven social dynamics. They don’t realize that if they don’t work on the other aspects of themselves and keep leading with money, the women will only be attracted to their money and status, not themselves as a person. They will keep attracting golddiggers and getting used for their resources.

The truth is, in the modern day, you have to be well-rounded and attractive in all aspects — appearance, personality & interests, career & competence, and communication & charisma. You want to find someone who is attracted to your full self. If they are only attracted to one aspect of you, it is easy for the relationship to fail (as soon as that aspect is lost) — it is a weak foundation.

I’ve heard too many stories of divorces happening as soon as a partner loses their job and cannot provide. For these people, being a provider was their main value, and as soon as it was lost, their value was lost. Again, you should be adding value to other people’s lives more than just providing.

Money and stability are still important in a relationship after all, but they are tools for allowing you to live an “attractive” lifestyle. You need to have the money and free time to do things you enjoy, be generous to others, and make you more well-rounded/interesting as an individual.

5. Furthermore, with too many people falling for #MeToo, sexual education, and other “progressive” movements, many people are afraid to approach. Whether they are trying to date or already in a relationship, they are passive and don’t take the lead.

Too many people either have social anxiety from being on electronics for too long, or have heard some fringe stories of someone getting shamed or bullied when rejected, so they develop this fear of approaching. They live in fear of rejection/failure and are afraid to get out of their comfort zone.

Whether you’re a man or woman, I believe you should not be afraid of getting what you want in dating (and in life). Nowadays, it seems like the only people who are approaching are the players, which is why they are having such an easy time. With the abundance of dating apps, hookup culture, and most people being passive, it is easier than ever to be a player.

Good things don’t happen when you wait. Gold doesn’t just fall into your lap. If you wait to be approached, you seem conceited or uninterested. If you want something in life, go for it. Don’t be limited by outdated gender roles and notions (e.g., women cannot approach first). Be direct in your approach and don’t keep people guessing your intentions.

Be respectful in your approach, but also, be polite and walk away when your efforts are turned down, and don’t act aggressively. Not walking away, not being able to move on, or acting out after a rejection is how people get labelled as creeps. Learn how to take rejection with grace — you are not a creep if you are honest and direct, and can move on when needed.

Also, even within a relationship, both partners should be proactive in making things happen (making plans, date nights, initiating sex, etc.), communicating their needs, and making each other’s needs met. Passiveness only leads to the other partner not feeling desired and eventually losing interest. Again, love is an action and takes effort.

Finally, get out of your comfort zone, even with your partner. Be willing to try new things together and bring excitement to the relationship. Many couples break up due to boredom. You need to do the work to make your relationship interesting and keep the novelty going.

6. Finally, too many people believe that entering a relationship with an attractive person is the end goal. That’s a big reason why most relationships fail.

Just like when you get into your dream job or your dream school, it is just the beginning. The journey is much longer, and the hardest part is just getting started. Many people underestimate the difficulty and end up dropping out, quitting, failing, or getting fired. Relationships are no different.

Because many believe the hardest work is already done once they start a relationship, they begin to slack off — going back to their old, often unattractive habits, not taking care of their appearances and health, stop pursuing their interests, stop trying in their careers or taking care of their finances, and no longer working on themselves. Then they wonder why the relationship starts falling apart, or why their partner no longer treats them the same (or starts cheating on them).

The cold, hard, truth is that self-improvement never stops, even if you are in a stable relationship or married. The 4 aspects of yourself that I’ve talked about in Part 1 are always relevant — you gotta stay on top of your game.

You may think your partner loves you for who you are, but as I said before, love is conditional (aside from God and your parents). Once you lose the aspects your partner has loved you for, the attraction and the relationship fall apart.

Once you stop taking care of yourself, you become a liability. You are not children anymore. Nobody wants to be with a liability. As I said many times, human relationships are transactional (unless it’s a parent to a child). If you don’t provide value to others (in this case, your partner), you don’t deserve a healthy relationship. You need to be an asset.

As humans are inherently greedy and are always looking for the next best thing, you should strive to be the best option for your partner, and add value to each other, even if you are together. Otherwise, in this competitive dating market driven by apps and social media, our greed subconsciously makes us seek out better options, and the relationship slowly falls apart.

In essence, a healthy romantic relationship requires work and sacrifice from both partners, as well as continued self-improvement from each partner. Here I outline some key aspects.

• Trust and security — That is the basis of any long-term relationship. A relationship is doomed to fail if the partners don’t trust each other, or feel insecure. Each partner should put in the work to make themselves secure, and thus make each other feel more secure. This includes financial stability, emotional stability, fidelity, and good boundaries.
• Communication and conflict resolution — With increased electronics use and self-isolation, younger generations today have increasingly poor communication skills. This is why many are struggling with dating and relationships. Unless it’s a fundamental issue like infidelity or basic morals, try to discuss your issues and resolve your conflicts instead of ghosting, running away, and breaking up. Avoidance won’t fix the problems. Discuss each other’s needs and make sure the needs are met. Be upfront and open about issues and don’t play mind games.
• Healthy boundaries and respect — Even within a relationship, you need to be independent and self-sufficient so you can walk away anytime. Both of you should have personal space/time and live your own independent lives. Maintain your own social circles, hobbies, and finances. The worst position is to be stuck in a terrible relationship because you cannot afford to leave. Also, don’t try to control your partner or seek to be controlled — it leads to codependency, which is an unhealthy dynamic that makes it difficult for either partner to walk away. At the end of the day, both of you are adults and should respect each other and give each other space.
• Healthy emotional vulnerability — Be emotionally open, but do not constantly complain or dump your emotions on your partner — they are not your therapist. There’s a huge difference between emotional vulnerability (e.g., being open and truthful about your feelings, talking about the past, and consistent encouragement) and emotional weakness (dumping your problems on someone and expecting them to handle it for you). As a healthy adult, you need to be mentally resilient and recognize and solve your problems. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, emotional weakness is unattractive and you need to resolve your issues first, from your mental health to past traumas and baggage. Some things should only be shared with a professional.
• Support each other — Everyone goes through ups and downs in life, including your partner. Don’t run away from hardship — support them and be kind when things happen. A relationship is not just about maximizing one’s benefits at the expense of their partner, it’s a partnership where you work towards common goals, whether that is happiness, raising children, or learning. You are a team. Create an environment such that both of you can strive to be the best version of yourselves.
• Make time for each other — Once you’re in a committed relationship, it should take priority over some aspects of your life (such as social life and video games). Don’t be unavailable to each other just because you have to meet other obligations. Prioritize your relationship and make time for each other — relationships take time and effort to build and maintain. However, that doesn’t mean you drop all your other commitments or abandon your existing hobbies — keep a good balance, but know what sacrifices you need to make. You can’t have it all.
• Carry out your roles — I know gender roles are rapidly changing, but in a serious relationship, you are a family unit. Each partner needs to contribute in meaningful ways that constitute a functional family, whether it is providing/bringing income, caretaking, raising children, entertaining, or performing chores/tasks. Divide the responsibilities. Moreover, in a committed relationship, maintaining the relationship becomes a responsibility more than just attraction—you need to prioritize the interests of your family, your partner, and your children (if you have any) more than your own. It is something that many lack today since they only care about their own interests, leading to the breakup of the family structure and the landscape of unstable relationships.
• Bring excitement — Well I don’t mean by being chaotic or causing drama and conflict, but people like to have fun and subconsciously seek greener pastures (FOMO), so you have to work with your partner to keep things interesting and novel. A lot of infidelity and breakups happen due to boredom. Be willing to try new things together, make yourselves more interesting, and learn new things. Explore and enjoy things together. Surprise each other occasionally and keep the excitement going.
• Understand that it might not work out — Finally, don’t fall into the notion that once you’re in a relationship with someone, it is for life. People come and go in life; people grow apart, and he/she is just your turn (they are not yours and you don’t own anyone!). It takes work and sacrifice to maintain a long-term relationship. Don’t be afraid to end a relationship if things are not working out (for a good reason) — again, don’t put your relationship on a pedestal. Learn to let things go and don’t try to force it.

In essence, once you are in a relationship, being the best version of yourself is not just a responsibility for yourself, but also for your family. You are a role model for your partner and children. You are an integral part of society by being in a family. Again, it is more than just yourself.

Nobody deserves a relationship by just “being themselves”. Relationships are earned through dedication and being willing to sacrifice for each other. There is NOT someone for everyone, and as I mentioned in my other blog, many people today are quite literally undateable.

There is a reason why some dating coaches consider a committed relationship to be the “hard mode” in dating. Not everyone has what it takes to be in a healthy and committed relationship, but if you’re willing to learn, grow, sacrifice, and act, you will acquire the necessary skills over time.

And that concludes my two-part series on dating.

It is a lot to unpack, but if you do it right, a fulfilling relationship and family can be the highlight of your life. At the end of your life, you don’t necessarily remember all the hard work, sacrifices, and material possessions, but you will remember the people you met, the relationships you built, and the memories you experienced.

I believe every romantic relationship is a means for us to discover and learn about ourselves. Even if you despise dating like many young people do today, you should at least give it a try. It will teach you some lessons that you won’t learn otherwise. It is a part of growing and maturing as a human being.

Ultimately, I believe dating, relationships, and starting your own family are rites of passage for human life, and serve our main life purposes which are learning, self-understanding, and giving back to the world.

I’m speaking all of this from my own relationship experiences and my observations of people who are in all kinds of relationships from different age groups and backgrounds. It is the best I can give from an engineering and psychology point of view after experiencing, reading, and observing.

There is a reason why some relationships last a lifetime while others fall apart quickly. I hope this helps you all.