The key to friendships as an engineer
There is a crisis of friendlessness and loneliness among youth today. More than 10% of Americans do not have a single friend, and more than half of young adults under 30 are single and not dating. It is contributing to a lot of mental health issues in the general public today.
While I talked about some basic social skills and dating advice in this blog before, I haven’t really dove into the nature of platonic friendships and how to cultivate them. Just like family units, healthy friendships are a foundation for a healthy society.
With younger generations’ social lives becoming increasingly virtualized, fewer third places, and in-person approaching becoming more stigmatized, especially at work, many younger people don’t know how to start and handle proper, healthy friendships in real life.
Especially for you engineers and nerds reading this, it’s not as easy, when the world is as judgmental and cliquey as it is with social media. There are more fun things to do than to go out, and people are less tolerant of your quirks, niche interests, and personality differences.
It’s easy to complain that people are becoming more passive, antisocial, and have poorer social skills, and not put in the effort yourself, but the truth is, many people still long for a connection. Ultimately, we are all social animals, and doesn’t matter how introverted or extroverted is your personality, we all long for social belonging and community. And a healthy social life is key to one’s overall mental well-being.
Having walked the path from being a socially awkward loner to a social butterfly with lots of meaningful friendships, despite not being the most naturally outgoing person in the room, let me share some of my lessons learned.
People and friendships come and go in life, and your friends are never meant to be permanent. People are simply brought together by proximity, circumstances, common interests and goals, shared experiences, and exchange of value over a certain time frame. It’s difficult to start and maintain a friendship otherwise.
You simply can’t force friendships with people you have little in common with. I’m sure few of you will be hanging out with politicians, celebrities, or professional athletes anytime soon.
There is a reason why the best places to find friends are school, work, and your hobbies/interests. They give you a space to find people with a lot in common. Similarly, there is a reason why most friend groups you see tend to have similar circumstances, interests, and socioeconomic status. In other cases, there was a clear exchange of value or benefit.
Looking back, most of my friendships started from school, work, interest groups (such as a sports team or hobbies club), and church (or another religious venue), or when I had a clear value to others (such as having a home gym during the pandemic lockdown when public gyms were shut down). The more I went through a struggle or growth with someone, the closer that friendship became.
If you don’t have these easy venues, however, you need to put more effort into finding common ground with others. Sure, you can approach strangers or have friends introduce you to their friends, but ultimately, in order for something to stick, everyone needs to have something in common. Over the years, I’ve encountered and tried to befriend many people, but most of them didn’t work out as I had little in common with them, or there was little exchange of value.
More importantly, it is up to you to build hobbies, interests, and values so you can potentially connect with a broader audience. You can keep your niche interests, but if you have few in common with the general public, the odds are stacked against you to connect with more people and thus make new friends. Sure, you can leverage social media to find others who share your interests, but they will still be few and far in between.
Growing up as someone with very niche interests and cared little about pop culture, this was something I learned the hard way. I had to pick up new interests or at least become knowledgeable in new and popular things to be able to connect with others.
Finally, you need to accept that people will change and grow apart over time, and most friendships are not meant to last forever. Life stages and circumstances change, and people have more important things to focus on. Once you lose the things you have in common, that friendship fades.
Having moved countries several times as a kid, and now being in a stage of life where people are moving to different places to start careers and serious relationships, or are getting busy building their own lives, this feels all too real. Sure, I can try my best to keep in touch with these people, but they are no more than acquaintances at this point.
If you see a friendship is clearly fading and is taking too much effort to maintain, maybe it’s time to just let it go. People come and go. But you also need to be open to meeting new people.
On the other hand, you still need to be proactive, whether it is starting conversations, organizing events, or just saying hi. Too many people today are passive and wonder why they have trouble making and keeping friends.
Over the years, when I realized few people were reaching out to me, I made an effort to reach out to people, organize events, host people at my place, and give them a good time. Somebody’s gotta do it. I understand that most people are busy with their lives, but many don’t put in that effort and wonder why they are always lonely or never get invited to anything.
The world is becoming increasingly selfish and narcissistic, and a truth about cultivating friendships that many don’t grasp today is that you need to give without the expectation of receiving a return.
Many people expect their efforts to be returned or reciprocated. It’s a selfish thought — You are trying to make friends for your own benefit, whether that’s for attention, being liked, or trying to win over someone.
That’s why many have trouble making and maintaining friends, or even dating. Friendships should be mutually beneficial, otherwise, you’re just being a leech or a simp. A lot of people talk about their struggles making friends, but they also need to self-reflect.
Years ago when I was still in school, I sought people for external validation and attention rather than trying to connect with them and enjoying genuine social interactions. I was constantly trying to show off and be edgy, chasing likes and reactions on social media, and trying to be seen as “popular” at my school. It all backfired and I’ve outcasted myself even more, I lost friends, and people saw me as a weirdo rather than a popular kid. My goal was entirely wrong — it was selfish.
Once I let go of those expectations, started connecting and appreciating people for who they are, and stopped trying so hard for external validation or trying to win people over, friendships came naturally. Funny enough, I ended up being more “popular” this way despite not intentionally seeking to.
However, as I mentioned earlier, many friendships are the result of exchanges of value. People will flock to you if they deem you as valuable, where you have something they seek.
As I talked about before in other blog posts, the world is mostly transactional, and you as a person is valued by what you can provide. Especially in adulthood, people generally won’t waste their valuable time on you if you can’t provide them with anything meaningful.
Many people like to complain that they have horrible friends, but I always tell them — if you want better friends and social circles, you need to better yourself first. Similar people tend to group themselves together, and misery loves company — your friends are a reflection of yourself. If people of higher calibre don’t see you as valuable or worth their time, they likely won’t associate with you.
So ask yourself, are you pleasant to be around? Do you provide something that others want, whether it is knowledge, tools, a good time, a safe space, an emotional connection, interests, or money? If you don’t, you need to work on yourself first. Better friends don’t come out of nowhere. I’ve talked about how to improve your attractiveness and social skills in other blog posts so I won’t dive into the details here.
Showcase your interests and values, be kind and interesting, be proactive in reaching out and organizing events, and be open-minded, and chances are, people will notice and flock to you. Just like dates, you can’t chase quality friendships — you have to attract them instead.
Over the years as I’ve worked on myself, I’ve noticed my friend circles becoming higher-quality, and that I was getting along with those of higher socioeconomic status, people who used to not take me seriously. Those who weren’t able to keep up naturally dropped out of my friend circles as we had increasingly less in common as I moved up in life.
Finally, once you are able to attract people into your circles, be open-minded, less judgmental, and embrace interpersonal differences. Don’t hold others to your high standards (although you should be more picky for closer friends and romantic relationships as they will strongly influence you). I’ve seen people who struggle to make friends not because they cannot meet new people, but because they are too judgmental or cannot tolerate differences in others.
Accept people for who they are, and allow others to be comfortable and be themselves around you. Ask them questions and let them talk about themselves. Try to build rapport and common ground, and stay engaged in the conversation.
Finally, if you’re feeling lonely, chances are, having lots of friends won’t fix that problem.
Loneliness is a feeling—it is something you need to resolve internally first. Ask yourself, are you seeking out friends and social connections, or are you seeking external validation or attention? For many today, it is the latter.
Social media has given us an illusion of social connection but does not replace real-life social interactions. It is artificial and actually makes people feel more disconnected. The use of social media is increasingly correlated with the feeling of loneliness.
Start small. You don’t need a million friends to be happy — having many friends is not the key to happiness, but having a few, deep friendships where you can connect at a deeper, emotional level is key to well-being. Quality over quantity.
Many people today are mentally unhealthy because they lack these deep connections — not even their parents or spouses. Sure, they can have many friends and acquaintances, but the only person they can talk to at a deeper level are their therapists, if they can even afford one. This is especially true for men of certain cultures who are expected to be stoic and not share or display emotions. They have no emotional safe space.
So when you do try to connect with others, don’t be afraid to open up and be vulnerable (but also understand there is a fine line between emotional vulnerability and emotional weakness or trauma dumping). Be truthful to yourself and others. Be the ear that someone else needs.
The truth is, your true friends are few and far between. Just see what happens when something bad happens to you, that’s when you get to see who are your real friends. Trust me, most of your “friends” will walk away. And that’s perfectly fine since you are not entitled to anybody. But the friends who do stick with you through the hard times, you must cherish.
Ultimately, we are all born alone and will die alone. Nothing, not even friendships or community, is guaranteed in life. You are not entitled to any friendships. You don’t just fall into any community—it is something you cultivate. Even your own family will drift apart if you don’t maintain it. If you want these things, you have to show up and put in the effort.
I believe everyone should find joy in being alone, or at least be self-secure and not always be seeking attention. Learn how to live a fulfilling life on your own, and not live for others.
And finally, it is lonely at the top. The more you continue on the self-improvement journey, the less you will have in common with most people (or you’ll realize that more people are simply not worth your time). And once you reach a certain level, you won’t have as many peers.
But don’t forget to appreciate and give back to the people who made you who you are on that journey. Nobody is truly self-made. And we as a society all support each other one way or another.
