The worst addiction of them all
No, it’s not another post about drugs, alcohol, gambling, junk food, social media, video games, or electronics.
There’s no shame in admitting to this, but you’ve probably had sex, masturbated, or watched pornography at some point in your life.
It’s a silent addiction that not many want to admit. In a society as sexualized as it is today, it doesn’t get a lot of publicity, except on some far corners of the Internet (aka NoFap).
In fact, it is glorified among youth today to be sexually active and promiscuous, and we promote it as a “healthy” lifestyle. Even masturbation is encouraged as a healthy habit that releases stress and prevents cancer, at least in modern Western medicine. But is it really?
Sex is a part of human nature after all. It is a basic desire, and we all have that animalistic instinct / urge to reproduce (unless you’re on the asexual spectrum), and all that energy needs to be released somehow. It’s driven by hormones — something very difficult to control on your own.
While I acknowledge that other addictions can be equally bad or worse, porn and sex addiction it is the most accessible of them all. All you need are your bare hands, some toilet paper, and maybe a device with Internet access.
Let’s begin with my story.
Growing up in a strict Asian household, there was not much entertainment outside of school. Parents and schools did not allow dating while in school. Video games and entertainment were not allowed either.
As a naturally shy and introverted kid with lots of social anxiety, I discovered masturbation early on and used it as a release to my otherwise stressful and boring life.
Over the years, as I spent more time on the internet, I discovered pornography and started watching it as well when I was able to. It became an escape from the harsh realities of adolescence.
It became an addiction. I was doing it almost every day after coming home from school, and my mind was constantly looking forward to the next session. I wasn’t able to focus on school or other important things.
Although my academic results and social life didn’t suffer initially, all hell broke loose once I moved out for university. The relative freedom of living alone meant that I could do anything I wanted. I indulged in porn, masturbation, video games, and the internet every day. I was making up for what I couldn't do at home and couldn’t control myself.
As a result, I spent less time studying, socializing, or exercising. I stopped going out or even going to classes aside from exams. I became more socially anxious, dreamy, and scatterbrained from being unfocused all day. I stopped taking care of my hygiene and fitness and looked much worse.
I could not focus on tasks as my mind was constantly picturing porn and sex. My brain was foggy, and cognitive skills declined. My grades tanked. My social skills regressed, and I was distancing myself from my peers before losing many of my friends. My physical health got worse — I developed high blood pressure, and I was getting sick more easily. I was on the verge of dropping out of university, and I was not getting jobs or internships like I used to. I was close to becoming a NEET.
It has also resulted in unrealistic standards for dating. I was objectifying and fantasizing about women in my head. For many years, I couldn’t approach or talk to girls for my dear life. Even when I did try, they were repulsed as I looked and acted like a creep. When everyone was out there dating and starting relationships, I completely shut myself in. And for years, I was a kissless virgin.
The downward spiral had left me severely depressed, and I was too anxious and ashamed to face reality. At one point, I wanted to end it all.
My parents quickly noticed something wasn’t right and took action. They took me back home, and I am forever thankful for that. God knows where I would be today if I had not turned things around with their help.
It took me years of total abstinence (“NoFap”), meditation, and studying religion and Chinese medicine to learn about the downsides of excessive porn use and masturbation, and undo the damage. I was able to focus on finishing my education, getting a job in my field, developing proper social skills, and trying to date. Even to this day, I don’t think I am fully recovered mentally and physically, but I am in a much better place now.
My story is pretty common among youth today. But I want to share it with you all so you can learn from my mistakes. There is a reason why many traditional cultures and religions teach sexual abstinence.
A lot of my peers also went down a similar path, indulging in casual sex / hookup culture, prostitution, pornography, and masturbation. They were all miserable. Many of them ended up “burning out” of school or work, became NEET, and stopped contributing to society altogether. Most of them never had a proper long-term relationship. Even the ones who managed to hold it together were always anxious and depressed.
Sex is supposed to be the most intimate thing you can do with someone. It is meant to be a special bond. It is a gift from God that should be reserved within an intimate relationship for reproduction purposes.
It is the most powerful release of dopamine in the human brain, the chemical that powers our reward systems in our brains. Abusing that system means you slowly lose the ability to seek healthy rewards, and it becomes more difficult to develop healthy human relationships. Over time, it makes these people emotionally numb, disconnected, and unable to experience true intimacy, leading to apathy, loneliness, and despair.
According to many Chinese and Indian traditional medicines, sexual energy is a special energy that feeds into your brain from your spinal cord, and helps with your cognitive functions such as thinking, memory, and decision-making. It is the very same energy that allows you to think rationally, focus, be productive, and achieve goals.
Especially as a male, when you abstain from sex and masturbation, that energy gets re-absorbed into your body. When you’re constantly letting that energy out from below through sex and masturbation, your brain loses those chemicals and cannot focus and think properly — It literally short circuits. This is what a lot of people call “brain fog”.
Just like any addiction, once the brain is addicted to easy dopamine, the brain starts taking the path of least resistance, and keeps seeking that feeling. It becomes harder for them to accomplish more difficult tasks. You see the same in drug addicts and video game addicts — they become more disconnected from reality, and it eats their lives away. In fact, brain scans of porn addicts are very similar to those addicted to cocaine.
Society is embracing sexual openness, from masturbation, promiscuity, and polyamory to “situationships” / causal relationships and openly selling sexual content (PornHub, OnlyFans, etc.) and sexual services. Even infidelity in relationships is increasingly common and accepted. And this is a problem.
Sure, one can argue that this is the result of modern birth control, but it is merely a symptom, a tool to lessen the consequences of sex (not saying birth control is all bad and should be banned!). The real problem is the individualistic and hedonistic culture seeking to maximize one’s instant gratification. And sex is one of the strongest gratifications one can seek.
I believe the excessive sexualization of our society is a direct contributor to the phenomenon of broken families and high divorce rates in the world. As people develop distorted and unrealistic expectations for intimacy from all the casual sex and pornography, why bother committing and being loyal to one person and accepting their flaws, when one can keep “having fun”?
And when people’s abilities to bond with others intimately are broken, they all seek the path of least resistance, and do not work together and stay in committed relationships and maintain families. It is no wonder that since the sexual revolution of the 1960s, divorce rates have skyrocketed in the West. Similar trends could be found in other countries once sex became more liberated. The bonds that create strong, healthy families are broken.
Moreover, with easier access to pornography online, younger generations are actually having fewer sexual experiences while spending more time watching porn and seeking sexual content online. Why bother putting in the effort in dating and relationships when you can get it so easily online? It is a key reason why modern dating is terrible, and it’s leading to more youth and adult loneliness and fewer people seeking relationships, starting families, and having children.
I’d argue that porn is even worse for society compared to casual sex — at least with sex, you’re doing it in real life and connecting with real people. And that builds social and cognitive skills. With porn and masturbation, however, you’re disconnected from reality, and you’re touch-starved. You’re substituting the real thing with something fake.
From my experience and hearing stories from my peers, masturbation, porn, escorts, and one-night stands all felt empty after a while. There is no substitute for the love and connection in a romantic relationship.
I believe we have a lack of effective sex education, along with lots of misinformation about sex. As a result, children and adolescents are given conflicting information, and often don’t know what’s best.
We live in a time of individualism and freedom. People, especially children, are encouraged to “be themselves”, “explore their interests”, and do what makes them feel “happy”.
However, for children and adolescents, giving them the freedom to explore their sexuality without understanding the risks can be dangerous — they have little control over their actions and understanding consequences as their prefrontal cortex is still developing. They can be easily addicted to sex, porn, and masturbation if it is not monitored. They can also be exposed to the harms of sex — sexual predators, sexual violence, bullying, STDs, and unwanted pregnancies.
Similarly, some kids who barely know who they are decide they want to be identified as another gender, and schools actively encourage it and put them through medication and medical procedures (e.g. puberty blockers, gender-affirming surgery), and in extreme cases, even taking the kids away from their parents when the parents resist their decisions. Years later, the kids grow up with irreversible damage and live in regret and agony.
On the other hand, most religions and orthodox cultures only teach total sexual abstinence outside of marriage. They even want to ban things like birth control and abortions because they are “unGodly”. However, abstinence-only sex ed can be harmful too, and as we’ve seen with any vice, from alcohol to drugs to sex, banning it never stops people from seeking it, and can even make the problem worse as people think it’s more “exclusive”.
If kids don’t know what is out there, they will try different things on their own, and without proper knowledge and supervision, it could lead them down a bad path. At the same time, with repeated negative reinforcement surrounding sex and intimacy, they can end up going the other extreme in rebellion, or develop an unhealthy/avoidant relationship with sex.
Children and adolescents need to be taught about the risks and harms of excessive masturbation, pornography use, casual sex, and anything related to sexuality. They need to be taught what is right or wrong and how to practice it safely. At the same time, they need to have regulated access to these things — completely banning them won’t stop their curiosity and hormones.
Just like any other substance on earth, from food to electronics to video games to recreational drugs, we should strive for a healthy relationship with it. There is a fine line that cannot be crossed.
Addiction is a symptom of filling a void in your life. It is a sign that you lack a purpose in life. If you are struggling, you should not only stop, but also take a step back and think about what you are trying to fill.
Even if you used to be addicted to sex and pornography, or anything else, quitting it won’t solve all your problems completely — it is merely a placebo for channelling your focus. If you don’t have a purpose, chances are, you’ll just be replacing one addiction with another.
I know from my experience that quitting porn and masturbation didn’t solve all my problems right away, but rather, it gave me time, focus, and energy to be productive on other things and improve myself in other ways.